Good afternoon! I thought I’d depart from my usual blogs and hopefully provide a few well-needed laughs. I wrote this piece in a Writing Humor Class at the Iowa Summer Writing Festival 1995, taught by the great Dan “Dr. Science” Coffey. He was a member of the famous Duck’s Breath Mystery Theatre. What a great class, and a talented teacher. Enjoy!
*** NEW GOVERNMENT WARNING LABEL***
The Special Government Task Force on Bathing Suits recently made known their new label mandate. This special warning will be stamped in bar code on the front of each thong (or bum-floss) bathing suit sold.
The warning reads: “Thong bikinis, when worn by any person over age twenty, have proven to be threatening, even dangerous to the casual observer, and just downright butt-ugly.”
This dictate was precipitated by a lawsuit between the State of Florida and a forty-two year old woman, who, while crossing the street, stopped in the middle to extricate aforesaid thong from her buttocks. This precipitated a multi-car collision, the likes of which have not been witnessed since the ill-fated Wonder Bra incident of 1994.
The male population of the nation is not without guilt in contributing to this national threat. On Miami Beach, an unsuspecting elderly woman was putting up her beach umbrella. She happened to glance up, saw eighty-six year old thong wearer, Dick Withers, and accidentally pushed the eject button on her umbrella. It took several lifeguards, a team of paramedics, and three pounds of Crisco to extract the hysterical woman out from under the potential deathtrap.
To prevent casualties such as the two described above, officials will activate the following procedure: Federal Proctors will be placed at strategic areas in beach parking lots. Each individual wearing a thong suit will undergo a special bar code check with instruments developed by NASA. This will enable officials to monitor these citizens. Those who cannot see past their stomachs will need to be reminded that they are wearing this device.
Numerous petitions have been signed by various civil rights and nudist groups in adamant protest of this new regulation. But a strong supporter and former victim of this national problem says, “You don’t ever think this kind of thing will ever happen to you, but when it does it really bums you out.”